12 ‘Compliments’ That Are Actually Insulting

We all have the fundamental desire to be liked. When we receive compliments, it proves to us that we are, indeed, viewed positively and accepted by those around us.

While sometimes comments can be downright insulting, other times insults can be thrown in a way that disguises them as compliments but, on further inspection, don’t actually feel good. Known as “backhanded compliments,” they may be used to generate liking and convey status, but Harvard University suggests they fail to do either.

We have devised a list of common insulting and backhanded compliments to give you an idea of what not to say and how to handle them next time they arise in conversation.

Your English Is So Good!

This compliment, in particular, makes me smile because my partner is originally from India but lives in Ireland, and he absolutely hates it when people tell him this.

The problem with this compliment is that you assume they cannot speak English well because they look “foreign” to you. What if they have been born and raised in the country, spoken English their whole lives, or worked there for years? You could be making someone feel a little out of place with this “compliment.”

According to Talia Lakritz, a lifestyle correspondent at Business Insider, “Telling a person of color that they're articulate or pretty for a [insert minority here] makes insulting assumptions.”

You Are Really Good at Driving for Being a Girl

Harvard University’s research studies found that backhanded compliments that drew upon gender stereotypes were viewed as “particularly harsh.”

Jessia Alderson, a relationship expert at So Syncd, explains to Very Well Mind, “They may not realize the negative impact of their words, or they might be trying to make a joke without realizing that it could come off as offensive.”

You Are Actually Smart for Someone Without a College Education

Harvard University reveals that a backhanded compliment may seem like praise, but it compares with a negative standard. They are a sort of “put down” that will cause the recipient to focus less on the actual compliment and more on the underlying message, thus producing feelings of insecurity about one’s own ability.

“I would say if you receive one [a backhanded compliment], don't feel obligated to say thanks; it's actually okay to call it out: ‘What do you mean by that?’ and sometimes, making people explain their ‘compliment' is the best way to highlight its backhanded nature,” Jonathan Hartley, a relationship coach at PositivesDating says.

You Actually Did a Good Job on This Project

Vikas Keshri, an experienced psychotherapist, social worker, and Clinical Director at Bloom Clinical Care, shares his thoughts on praising someone’s work effort.

“In many cases, it's the tone and non-verbal cues that could make a seemingly nice compliment seem like a backhanded insult. Saying, ‘I am so impressed that you could do this so well!’ with earnestness and gusto could very well be taken as a legitimate compliment by just about anybody,” Keshri says. “But, if it's said in a way that has an air of surprise and incredulity, then it could mean that the speaker was not confident with the recipient's skill to begin with.”

There are several ways Keshi suggests in response to a comment like this. “You can say that you're surprised to just to placate the situation and lighten the mood,” Keshi reveals. “Or, you could challenge the assumption and ask ‘What do you mean by that?’ in a friendly, respectable way.”

This could potentially clear the air. “…It allows you to explain yourself and prove that the assumption was unwarranted,” Keshri added.

You’re Beautiful in Your Own Way

We all like being told we are beautiful. But what about if you are told, “You’re beautiful in your own way?” What’s that supposed to mean?

“You're not conventionally attractive, but I'm really trying to be kind here,” Hartley says.

He suggests that this expression comes off as a judgment disguised as praise.

Oh, Wow, You’ve Lost So Much Weight!

Hartley shares his thoughts on this compliment: “Okay, admittedly, this one's tricky because it seems positive, but it implies you looked kinda bad before.”

Hartley continues, “And it's basically saying, ‘You used to be unattractive, but now, I don't know, you seem much more acceptable to me.’”

Ouch! Thanks for the vote of confidence, Jonathan.

I Could Never Pull off That Outfit, but It Looks Good on You!

This could seem like a compliment at first, but it may be enough to sour your mood for the day.

“It suggests that the outfit is somehow unflattering but acceptable on you,” Liza Mirza Grotts, a renowned etiquette expert, shares. “Be kind when you respond. When you exude politeness and confidence, the other person should get the hint that it was a backhanded compliment.”

She suggested an appropriate response: “Thank you, I love how it looks on me, too!”

You Look Great for Your Age

Jon Morgan, who has a wealth of experience in business as CEO and editor-in-chief of Venture Smarter, shares his take on the backhanded compliment, “You look great for your age.”

“The underlying suggestion is that your appearance is acceptable only when considering how old you are,” he says. “A good reply would be, ‘I feel fantastic, and I’m happy it shows.’ This dismisses the backhanded nature of the compliment and reinforces that your self-worth isn’t tied to someone else’s perception of age or beauty standards.”

Grotts also shares a similar way to respond could be saying, “Thank you, I feel great at any age.”

Wow, I Didn’t Think You’d Get the Job — Congratulations!

Jo Hayes, a world-leading etiquette expert and founder of Etiquette Expert, shared this insulting compliment.

“It could be that the person is simply socially clumsy and did genuinely want to pay you a compliment — it just fell flat. Such people often don’t even realize they’ve accidentally insulted the other person,” she says.

She suggests taking a compassionate approach: “Believe the best. Graciously overlook the social faux pas — let’s be honest, we all make social [or] relational mistakes — and move the conversation on.”

You’re So Punctual

According to Hanne Wulp, a skilled mediator, conflict coach, and executive communication trainer at Communication Wise, this compliment could really mean, “Please loosen up a little, or really, a lot. This is not the military.”

“But here's the thing: we won't know what they mean until we've asked clarifying questions— because as they just did, we're quickly to jump to conclusions and judgments ourselves,” she added.

She shares a question for a clarifying response: “‘Thanks? I guess? I'm confused, though, because I'm not sure how to take the compliment you just made. Are you looking for more flexibility or less?’”

You’re Doing a Lot Better Than I Thought

Another backhanded compliment compares the person with their initially low expectations and how they have done a better job than expected.

Nicole Moore, a relationship expert at Love Works, explained to Very Well Mind in the same article about the implications of such a compliment: “…The person being complimented either doesn't really deserve their achievement or hasn’t proven themselves to be remarkable yet in the eyes of the person giving the compliment.”

Your Ideas Were Good for an Intern

Performance was the second most common category for backhanded compliments, as indicated by Harvard’s research team.

You're essentially saying that their work was good quality as a beginner.

“By saying this, the speaker is implying that the receiver's work is only of high quality because of inexperience,” Alderson notes.