11 Strategies to End Chore Disputes Once and for All

If housework is a constant fight in your home, you're not alone.

We know what it's like to battle your family about necessary household tasks. So, we created this list using tips from psychologists and other behavioral experts to help you make peace about chores.

Whether you're fighting with your girlfriend, spouse, or kids about housework responsibilities, this list is your friend. We can't give you a foolproof cleaning schedule, but we can help you create a plan that works for you and your family.

1. Create a Routine

Sorry, people who like to wing life. Studies show that humans thrive with routines in place. Among children, family routines support social skill development and can improve resilience during crises. In adults, routines can improve health. Ultimately, creating a housework routine with your family can make chores less painful and better for everyone's overall well-being.

Ending the chore wars in your house starts with an open family discussion. During that talk, lean into each family member's strengths and preferences to create a housework routine.

2. Equity Over Equality

When creating your family chore schedule, throw the idea of equality out the door. If one spouse works eighty hours a week and the other only works part-time, assigning each adult half the household chores isn't a good idea. Don't believe me? Psychologist Amber Wardell makes the case that people need to establish equity when designing their chore routine, not equality.

Instead of trying to distribute tasks equally, you should aim to create a schedule that considers each person's needs and abilities. Everyone can contribute, but those who have more time and skills should take on the bigger responsibilities.

3. Provide Choices

You know you want control over your life and the choices you make. But so do your kids. According to the Parents League of New York, the human brain craves control because feeling like we have low or no control is the most stressful state of human experience.

So, when creating your chore routine, try to give options. Creating a couple of lists that family members can select tasks from might help you gain buy-in.

4. Keep It Age Appropriate

Including even your youngest kids in household tasks is a good idea. Research shows children who do chores may have higher self-esteem, be better at handling frustration, and be more responsible.

However, it's important to keep things age-appropriate when including kids in housework. This includes the obvious, like not handling your toddler a spray bottle full of dangerous chemicals. It also means retaining reasonable expectations and remembering you may have to redo or help with whatever task your young children take on.

5. Prioritize Tasks

It's easy to go overboard when thinking of the housework you want to accomplish, which is why it's important to prioritize tasks. There are tasks that need to be done daily or weekly to keep your house running, like taking out the trash and sweeping the floors.

Other things, like dusting the blinds and washing the windows, may need to be done but probably shouldn't be at the top of your chore list. When making your chore routine, try to include one or two low-priority tasks a week, and don't stress if they don't get done.

6. Make It Visible

Once you've created your schedule, post it in a place where everyone can see it. Use a dry-erase board or other medium that allows your family to check off tasks as they complete them.

Completing small goals releases dopamine in our brains. As one Harvard study showed, when workers were told to write and use a checklist for completing mundane tasks, they reported more motivation and higher satisfaction with their jobs. Your family will likely feel the same if they can check off their chores.

7. Use a Timer

Housework often feels tedious, which is why many people don't want to do it. However, you can make chores more fun by turning them into a game.

A simple timer adds a competitive element to housework that can make mundane tasks more exciting. See who can get the most done in thirty minutes. Or, offer a reward if everyone gets their jobs done before the timer goes off.

8. Don't Make It a Punishment

It's tempting to use chores as a punishment for your kids, but the Cornell Cooperative Extension stresses it's a bad idea. If you use chores as a punishment, you could teach your children to resent doing them. Furthermore, they might do a punishment trade, such as “choosing to skip a television program instead of raking the yard.”

One goal of including kids in housework should be to teach them responsibility. Rather than learning housework is a necessary part of maintaining a functional space, you risk teaching them to hate taking care of their things.

9. Include a Reward

Adding a reward to your chore routine is a great way to make it a bonding experience rather than a dreaded task. As Brave Mind Psychological Services puts it, most people wouldn't go to work without getting paid in the name of contributing to society. The same theory applies to house chores.

“Payment” for chores comes in many forms. If it's just you and your spouse, maybe completing the week's housework means you've earned a date night. If you have kids or a larger family, you might decide to end a day of chores with pizza and a movie. Ice cream is always a good choice, too.

10. Never Stop Saying Thank You

Gratitude works. Whether you're trying to make peace about chores with your partner or your kids, Harvard Health says that continuously showing and receiving appreciation can lead to more positive emotions and relishing good experiences—two things you definitely want to foster in the house chore department.

If your child sweeps the floor, point out how great of a job they did. And if your spouse remembers to clean the toilet, thank them. With any luck, they'll follow your lead and start giving you some positive feedback, too.

11. Stay Flexible

Housework is important, but it's not the end all, be all of life. Try not to be too rigid about your chore chart.

Remember that some seasons are busier than others, and chores might not always get done. Staying flexible can help you keep the peace and avoid the chore wars.

The Real Risk of Chore Wars

Surveys suggest many couples disagree over housework, and most parents have undoubtedly had to battle their kids when it comes to chores.

The surprising news? Psychologists say chore wars are almost never really about chores. How we approach housework can show our partners that we recognize them, reveal how we embrace or challenge gender roles, and show how we connect to others in our family. In other words, chore wars can ruin our closest connections if we don't find a way to make peace.